The summer heat, oppressive and stifling shadowed our every move as we made our way into the church. What was I thinking getting married in mid-July? Beads of sweat gathering along my hairline merged, trickled down the sides of my face, dripping onto my neck. A recently acquired sinus infection, combined with surging adrenaline, resulted in throbbing cheekbones and a short fuse … please, lets get this thing started!

My sister Judy has been welcoming guests at the guest book, my brother, Patrick, is ushering friends and loved ones to their seats, my sister, Angie, my bridesmaid, and my sister, Mary, my maid of honor, await their cue. Everyone is seated; the organist pauses, and then with great emphasis plays the processional, Trumpet Voluntary. Mary and Angie glide down the aisle, turn, gazing toward me with sisterly affection. I take hold of my brother, Bill’s arm, as he calmly escorts me down the aisle. We saunter toward the altar where I join hands with Ed, the man who will become my husband.

The ceremony begins, time is suspended, and there is only the present moment. I hear the priest blessing us, we light candles in honor of my deceased parents, we exchange smiles and signs of peace/hugs with family and friends in the front rows, beautiful songs are sung by my maternal aunt, Ruth, and my maternal uncle, Bill, we say our vows, we kiss, we are blessed once again, linking arms we stride happily up the aisle to the recessional, Ode to Joy. We are met with beaming, smiling faces, reflecting the love we have pledged. With the exception of a few cousins, all of my family is in attendance, having last gathered six months earlier for my grandmother’s funeral. Today, love, life, and celebration are in order! I feel immense gratitude for everyone in my life. Our future, filled with love and hope, is before us.

So it began, at age 32, the most extensive chapter in my book of life, 25 years ago today. And although Ed and I separated two years ago, and divorced over a year ago, being married has defined most of my adult life – positively and negatively. My marriage determined where I lived, the people I met and befriended, my career opportunities, the lives my children lead (and obviously their creation), and my sense of self, just to name a few. It is a date worth acknowledging.

Ed and I worked to build a foundation, but it failed to solidify. However, the children we created and many of the experiences we shared acted as temporary mortar, keeping us together until the crumbling foundation could no longer be patched. I think almost anyone who is married or in a committed relationship will agree that marriage is nothing like one thinks it will be before getting married – the same can be said for having children! A good marriage truly requires hard work/commitment – open communication, mutual respect, affection, honestly, trust, lots of humor, physical and emotional intimacy, as well as a strong current of love flowing beneath the surface, unaffected by superficial storms.

Life seems to make a habit of teaching us lessons after the fact. Being divorced has actually improved our relationship and allowed us to be better parents, as well as nicer and kinder to each other. Removing the emotional expectations of marriage changed the dynamics, equaling the playing field, generating more respect and friendship. I anticipate much smoother sailing for the next 25 years.

My thoughts about my would-be anniversary were initiated when I examined how dramatically my life has changed over the past 25 years. My two younger brothers, Bill and Patrick, are my only surviving siblings. All three of my sisters succumbed to cancer. Mary died in 2000, and Judy and Angie died in 2010. Judy actually died six years ago today. My two paternal aunts died in 2011 and 2012. My two maternal aunts died in 2008 and 2015, and my maternal uncle died in 2013. Ed’s father died in 2007, and he, too, lost aunts and uncles. My two brothers, seven first cousins, and I are now the family elders. All the relatives of our parents’ generation have died.

During the past 25 years I’ve experienced severe post-partum depression/anxiety, a miscarriage, agonizing grief, deep betrayal, anguish, hopelessness, unfathomable sorrow, melancholy, fear, and desperation, as well as exuberant joyfulness in becoming pregnant at 44 and delivering a long-wished-for daughter, genuine happiness, deep love – human and animal, wonderful, mutually rewarding friendships, and life-saving laughter – essentially, I’ve lived a “normal” life, running the gamut of emotions and experiences, likely echoed in the lives of millions.

Many of the emotions and experiences I went through were the result of the choice I made 25 years ago to marry. Knowing what I know now, would I do it all again? Probably not – no, really, I wouldn’t. I know many people believe: everything happens for a reason, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, all your experiences create the person you are today, yada yada yada. I am not one of those people.

If given another chance, I would make different, likely better choices. I would live a life without having to experience the loss of so many people I loved and adored – I don’t need, or want to be any stronger! Soul-numbing pain is not a prerequisite for compassion. How fabulous would it be for my kids to get birthday cards from their doting aunts or grandparents on their birthdays? Yes, I would still have the same kids – they were always a part of me. I would celebrate what was different about me, rather than be embarrassed by it. I would cultivate courage, and more courage. Courage to follow my curiosity and trust it would lead me to many fascinating finds. I would set boundaries and stand up for myself. I would ask for help, and dedicate myself to making a difference in the world (maybe I still can). I wouldn’t procrastinate!!

Naturally, hindsight is 20/20; we only recognize our mistakes after we’ve made them – if we’re lucky. Ultimately, I am who and where I am. The decision I made 25 years ago to marry Ed, was the right one at the time; as I frequently tell my children and anyone who will listen, there’s a positive and negative in every situation. In myriad ways I am extremely grateful for the life I have lived. With insight and introspection accumulated the past 25 years, I am now capable of making new, life-affirming choices, to carry me forward into the next quarter century. Now I’m looking forward to my would-be 50^th anniversary.